On the thought of having own income

I've been not working for a decade (read: felt like a decade). Well, I mean, more than two years. And to be honest, I have mixed feelings when talking about it. I have no comparison of being a working mom and a stay-at-home-mom; because the only thing I can compare are being at work the whole day and being at home the whole day, and that doesn't include a factor of having a kid. And I believe that's the whole different comparison. And being unemployed in three different countries has been roller coaster journey/feeling for me, as a person/a mom, and I'm getting used of it.

For years, I had been an independent woman, with income. And I didn't learn how to "ask" for my monthly income from someone else - in this case is my husband. The first year of being married, I was still working with my own salary and I was contributing to the household. I was a bit lost when I had a void in my usual space for monthly supply, suddenly I had to 'ask' and re-calculate at least twice whenever I wanted to buy something. Plus, it had to be double-approved - by my husband and me. It's good for me to learn to have a 'brake', instead of being impulsive most of the time like I used to be. I learned to be more calculative and to think in long-term, and yes, till now I'm still learning. It's often that I use a reason like, "it's only this time" or "we will never see a stuff like this anymore in the future" or "it's a reward for me/for my kid for being bla bla bla".

It's hard.

Because I was excessively consumptive.

I bought clothes just because I was stressful at work, or because it was weekend, etc. And now thinking about that, I am ashamed of it. While I did decluttering a few weeks ago, I realized how shallow I was, spending lots of money on clothes that ended up being thrown away (donated). I didn't regret the act of donating, that's not the point. I regret the act of me being too 'easy' on buying stuffs I didn't need.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of the joy having my own income. Not for buying things. But, for my kids. It feels like an extra luxurious stretch for us to do things, for my kid to do activities (which are expensive in Singapore) outside home.

It tickles my stomach when I picture myself going back to work, nine to six.
How to go back to work, how to start all over again from the beginning - portofolio, interview, learn all the work stuffs again (because, it's all already forgotten), how to leave my kid the whole day and how much I will miss her, how to look for a right day care for her, how to handle all my motherly feeling, how to juggle between being a good mother and a good employee, how to handle when I have to stay late at work, how to find time to cook meals, and a thousand other detailed-questions.
I haven't even started yet, but a lot of things have already bothering my head. And again, I'm back to the question: should I do this or not? It's like running in a circle, and I have no end.

Either choice, I will learn, my kid will learn, and my husband will learn. It's a teamwork choice.

I will not settle soon. It's still a lot to consider, a lot to compare, a lot to calculate.

Till then.


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