living with spots.

i wrote this piece few months ago. i didn't post it (i don't know why). but at some points, i know that i would do it anyway. so here it is- an ugly truth about my body.


for the past three months, my body has been giving me a stressful condition - white spots.

in the beginning, i noticed the spots as a dry skin, so i ignored it. but then, it became permanent. one big white spot on my right hand - a noticeable one. i hated it.

and then, the second white spot appeared. i was terrified.

every morning, i stare at those spots for a few minutes before i really wake up. the more i stare, the more spots appeared. it became scattered all over my right hand. then appeared on my left hand as well, and my knees, and my toes.. and my lips. i was stressed - a lot.

and yes, i knew what it was. i googled it. i told yos what it was, and he ensured me not to think about it so much. maybe it is what i was thinking what it is, and maybe it is not. he asked me not to self-diagnosed before we're sure that it is what it is. deep down inside, i'd already know that my diagnose was right - vitiligo.

we were agree to visit the skin specialist when we are in indonesia, because skin matters are not covered under insurance and you know how expensive it is to go to specialist in singapore (not to mention - the medicines). meanwhile, i decided to stop using any cosmetics and changed into the natural way, i diligently drink green tea everyday, and avoiding turmeric contained food (based on my research, it may and may not worsen the vitiligo). but, actually, the most effective way is not to be in stressed - stressful condition worsen the vitiligo.

i was in stressed at that time, and i knew that it has started much much earlier than three months ago. it started long time before i became a mother, pregnancy triggered it, then it became worse recently. everyday, it's always me and the spots. in my head, i never skipped thinking about it. and sometimes, i see my old photos when there were no spots, my heart is ripped - i really want to go back to the 'old me'.

i went to the doctor two weeks ago; and yes, my diagnose was right, it is vitiligo. i was given several types of cream to be applied on the white spots and also some pills to be taken daily. so far, my spots aren't improved. at some areas, it become more "white". every morning and every night, i pray - not to be healed, but to help myself to be happier; to be thankful on whatever condition i am in now.

now, i am in a stage of acceptance, i am no longer hating (maybe just a little bit) myself in a mirror, i am getting used to see spots in my hands, and i am building hope to see myself in better condition.

so, there.. say hello to the spots!


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