Unanswered.

April is walking through the alley. She is holding her bestfriend's ashes - she just cremated her bestfriend's dead body, and now she has nowhere to go. She has no idea where she should put the ashes. Her bestfriend, Seth, doesn't like sea nor mountain, he doesn't like outdoor. He likes indoors; movie, cafe, or fast food restaurant. He used to like to hang out in her flat, killing time by playing guitar or reading poetry books. She should keep the ashes indoor, whether beside her bed or on the kitchen table, she hasn't decided yet. She is holding it tight, afraid that she could drop Seth down on the street.

Her sight is blurry. She hasn't cried yet since she found Seth's body in his bathtub two days ago.

She was so busy, she didn't pay attention to the absence of Seth's calls for days. And when she realized it, she tried to contact him, but she found no answers. So, she went down to his flat and brought along some cupcakes she has made by herself, that's when she found her dead bestfriend, naked inside the tub. She didn't scream, she just walked out of the bathroom, called 911, and waited numbly in Seth's bedroom for the police to come. She was staring at their photographs with the cupcakes on her lap, when the police came.

And the moments after that, she barely remember. Only today, she's in the alley with Seth's ashes in a ceramic jar with her bare hands, .. and suddenly she feel pointless, and her sight isn't focus.

She is crying.

How can a life be that short? How about the studio that he just bought months ago? How about his unfinished projects? How about his stuffs, should she throw it all away? How can Seth so stupid by using that drugs without ever told her? How did he dare not saying goodbye to her? What did he feel when he was dying? Did he think about her? And how would she keep walking in her life without Seth?

They have been together for years, 10 years to be precise; they have no parents, no siblings, no relatives. And to be together with a soulmate were just a right thing to do. They are soulmate, they were. They shared everything, about their lovers, about their enemies, their problems, and their thoughts - it's like being Will and Grace.

When she saw Seth before they cremated him, for a-long-twenty minutes April was lost in a black hole, half of her was also gone, her mind was going numb and her heart was broken.

April drop herself on the pedestrian path - people stare at her - and cry until she loses her breath and her tears dry. She is crying for Seth, she is crying for herself. She never cry for her parents, or for anyone, because she never have them. She never knew before the feeling of having someone she love in life. Now she is sobbing to death, she is dealing with the pain she never knew, and the only thing she has is Seth's ashes in a ceramic jar.

Silently she stare at the ceramic for hours, wondering what her bestfriend do inside there. He might be lonely, he might be afraid. At last, her hand reach the top of the ceramic, and she open its cover. "Hey, Seth," she greet him. With a lovely smile, she pour Seth's ashes in the street, she simply let him go. And she is saying goodbye.

Once she had him. And once she lost him. And the-unanswered-questions in between are being left unanswered.

2 winds from friends and strangers:

dai said...

aduh lagi2 tentang kematian X_X

novel. said...

@dai : a fan of death apparently. :))

a little wind

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i bake my own bread for breakfast, i craft everything i could think of, i watch arsenal, i dream of alaska, and i befriend old cameras. my world rotates on september.

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