Homesick

...
I'm tired of making great decisions on trips and then when I'm home, feeling them slip through my fingers. This time I want all my resolutions to be documented in writing and I want you to read them and remember and hit me if you see me starting to squirm out of them.
Is that OK with you?
So let's get to it.
I want to start swimming. Don't laugh. I'm serious. Tennis is nice, but (a) there are more babes in the university swimming pool than on the tennis court, and (b) there's something about swimming that leaves you with more room in your soul. That gives you the natural rhythm of things. Besides, why am I apologizing? A pool. Once a week. Write it down and shut up.
I also want to be less cynical. I've spent the last year with people from all over the world, and I'm telling you for a fact that the Israelis are the most cynical of all. And I'm sick and tired of it. I'm sick and tired of pretending that nothing turns me on just so I don't look pathetic. I'm sick and tired of shooting poisoned arrows at other people just because I'm afraid they'll hurt me. I want to come to people with an open heart. What's the worst can happen?
I want to eat big breakfast. Like on holiday. With scrambled eggs and avocado salad and vegetable salad and black bread. I want to start the morning with an enormous breakfast and eat it leisurely, no stressing out.
I'm sick of being stressed out. I want to take my time so I can make my time. I want to work hard, but not like a maniac. The Europeans I met here work four days a week, go home at six and don't think there's anything wrong with that.
I want to watch less TV. I haven't watch any for six months, I don't miss it at all.
I want to live in nature. And if that's too complicated, then I want to at least leave Tel Aviv at weekends. I want to stand on the edge of something and see far into the distance, over the rainbow.
I want to get turned on by little things. Walking barefoot on the sand. Eating the cone after the ice cream's gone. Colorful graffiti on a dirty wall. New music I never heard before. Not shaving. Shaving after a long time of not shaving and running my hand over my smooth cheek. I want to get turned on by all those little things. Not to let them pass me by without noticing them.
I want love.. For too long now, I've been using my split from Adi as and excuse and now, after those two weeks with Nina, I know that I don't have to settle for kiss-fuck-we'll-talk-tomorrow-bye.
I want to read more. Ride my bike more. Get on better with my sister. I want to look people in the eye more. Speak the truth more.
And, besides, I want to go home.

(From Homesick the novel, by Eshkol Nevo)

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