| holes in a heart |

i allow you to say that i'm sentimental or melancholic or childhish or hyperbolic or silly or et cetera. i am going to write this thing, no matter what.
each time i had a farewell, each time i felt super-sentimental. and i was in a way too hyperbolic. but, i didn't pretend it.. i did felt it as if i would lost them forever.

lets go backward, several years ago, when i was in elementary school.. my father had to move from one city to another city every several years, and automatically my parents brought me with them (indeed!). each movements successfully made me lost many things.. and put me in a (bit) traumatic moment.i'd settled myself down in one city, i made friends, i got along with the neighbour, i got used with the surrounding, i fell in love with the city.. and years after that, i had to leave all those things; friends, neighbour, daily life, and the city itself. and i was too young to think that 'farewell isn't the end'. all i knew was that i feel hurt, deep down in my heart, there were many holes which left empty. the things which was used to be there were taken away, and it couldn't be replaced.
i had to leave several times. i had to feel hurt several times, i had to play a role as 'a-big-girl-don't-cry' several times. and in my bedtimes, i cried silently many times!
in some ways of my young-adulthood life, i do hate farewell. it reminds me of my losts in childhood. i agree with the statement 'life must go on' or 'people keeps moving'.. but i just can't help to feel (very) sad of each goodbyes which i've said.. i support all things they wish to do, i wish them the very best luck, i pray for the better future in their life, and it doesn't help me at all for not being sad.

realizing that they will not be around is the most hurtful thing.. realizing that it will not be the same again is the biggest thing that i want to skip.. realizing that there are many things will be faced without them is the biggest fear. and i am the biggest enemy of all.
farewell is always sad. but, one thing i never regretted is the chance to meet all of the wonderful people in my life. though we have to go through a farewell moments with each person, but i thank to you all for the chance knowing you.

now, i know.. that the losts is always be there.. create holes in my heart. and i know why i felt so loose.


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